Lately, I have felt so helpless and miserable. I want to go home, but when I think of home, I realize I cannot go back either.

I want to work hard and tell myself plenty of encouraging things every day, but whenever I deal with people, nothing seems to go the way I hope.

I feel so restless. Why is life so ridiculous, and existence so absurd? Is God playing a joke on me? Or am I simply not someone meant for a good life? I think of you and of the past, and the more I think, the more foolish and ridiculous I feel: a complete fool, an idiot who could not hold on to anything, who gave up so much that should have been kept and picked up so much that should never have been taken. Now there is only regret, endless regret.

I regret my mistakes, every little detail. Before sleep, I can remember childhood mistakes, yesterday’s mistakes, every mistake. They are all in my dreams too.

I so want to find somewhere quiet to stay, but there is nowhere left. Grandma is gone, my sister is not an option, nor are Dad, Mom, or my brothers. Apart from them, there is nowhere else to go. I can only rely on myself in life. I am so helpless, so desperate, without even someone to lean on.

Please do not blame me for lacking patience or resilience. This is just one part of life. I am still young, I still have a future, and I still have a determined heart.

Chat history, Wang Huimin.